There's a sentence I hear that has probably caused more arguments than it deserves: “But that's not what I meant.”
Maybe you said something that hurt your spouse or your child. Maybe your soon-to-be former partner sent a text that felt like a deliberate insult. Maybe you've spent the better part of an afternoon trying to explain that you weren't trying to be difficult, hurtful, selfish, or unreasonable.
And here's the kicker - maybe you're right. But here's the tricky thing about relationships at any time, and especially during divorce: intent and impact are two different things.
Intent is what you meant to do. Impact is what actually happened.
You Communicate the Truth
You might have intended to be helpful, but the other person felt criticized. You might have intended to set a reasonable boundary, but someone experienced it as rejection. You might have intended to keep the peace, but your silence left someone feeling alone.
Things tend to get stuck though when someone tells us we hurt them, and we instinctively rush to defend our intent.
“I was only trying to help.”
“That's not what I meant.”
“You're taking it the wrong way.”
We want them to understand our intentions before we're willing to acknowledge their experience. It makes sense, because we don't want to be misunderstood - especially by someone who already has a long list of complaints about us.
But the more energy we spend proving we didn't mean to hurt someone, the less room we leave for understanding that they were hurt.
You can see how this can become an exhausting loop. One person explains. The other defends. The first person pushes harder to be understood. The second gets even more defensive.
Congratulations. Now everybody is upset.
Let Your Communication Hold More
So what do we do instead? We learn to hold two things at once.
I didn't intend to hurt you.
I can still care that you were hurt.
That might sound simple, but it requires a fair amount of emotional maturity. It asks us to stop treating every expression of hurt as an accusation we must defeat. Fun fact - it also works in reverse.
Someone else's hurt feelings don't automatically make you responsible for fixing everything, accepting blame you don't deserve, or abandoning a reasonable boundary. You can acknowledge someone's experience without agreeing with their interpretation of your motives. For example: “I understand that my decision upset you. I didn't make it to punish you, and I'm still comfortable with the decision.” Or: “I can see how my message came across as dismissive. That wasn't my intention, and I'll be more thoughtful about how I communicate.”
Notice what these responses don't do. They don't require you to confess to being a terrible human being. They don't require the other person to agree with you. And they don't turn the conversation into a courtroom where everyone must prove their innocence. They simply make room for a little more understanding. And sometimes, that's all a conversation can reasonably accomplish, right?
Communication is tricky. I can help. Schedule a complimentary call here to get started.
About the Author:
Hi, I’m Andrea - a relationship coach, author, and speaker. I help people navigate all kinds of relationship challenges - whether you’re preparing for marriage, improving communication in a longer marriage, or finding your footing during or after a difficult breakup. I help clients understand what is happening beneath the surface and what must shift for relationships to become more steady, intentional, and sustainable. My clients reduce escalation, improve communication, and create a more connected, sustainable dynamic - and I can teach you how to do it too. Let’s talk.
