Some of the most exhausting conflicts in life happen when nobody else is in the room.
You want to leave the marriage, but you don't want to hurt your spouse.
You want to say no, but you don't want someone to be disappointed in you.
You want things to change, but you also want everyone to be okay with the change.
You wish you could get yourself to feel differently consistently, but you don’t want to do the work.
I spend a lot of time thinking about conflict in my work, and I'm interested in all of it: the fights we have with other people, the fights we have with ourselves, and the ways those two things get tangled together.
The Truth About Internal Conflict
Here's something I've noticed about internal conflict. Sometimes we make a difficult decision even harder by expecting ourselves to feel completely settled before we act.
We think that if we're making the right choice, we should feel confident. Or if we really want something, we shouldn't feel guilty about it. Or if we've thought it through enough, we should finally stop second-guessing ourselves. There is this elusive “landing” that we think we should have, well, landed at, before we take action.
Holding the Tension
But two things can be true at the same time.
You can know a marriage needs to end and grieve the life you thought you'd have. You can love someone and need a boundary with them. You can be excited about a new chapter and absolutely terrified of it.
Here's something to try when you're stuck in a decision.
Stop asking which feeling is the right one.
Instead just ask what each feeling is trying to tell you.
Fear might be telling you that something important is at stake. Guilt might be telling you that you care about someone or that you've learned to take responsibility for their feelings. Sadness might be telling you that you're losing something meaningful, even if the change is necessary.
All of your feelings deserve your attention. BUT, they don't all get to make the decision. Your job isn't to make those feelings go away. It's to listen to what they're telling you, figure out what they actually need from you, and then decide what to do.
Feelings ask us for one of four things: they can ask for comfort, a plan, a boundary, or rest.
Once you know which one it needs, then you make your decision based on the bigger picture: your values, your responsibilities, the facts in front of you, and the life you're trying to build. That's how you learn to respect your feelings without handing them the steering wheel.
If internal conflict is running your life, I can help. Schedule a complimentary call here to get started.
About the Author:
Hi, I’m Andrea - a relationship coach, author, and speaker. I help people navigate all kinds of relationship challenges - whether you’re preparing for marriage, improving communication in a longer marriage, or finding your footing during or after a difficult breakup. I help clients understand what is happening beneath the surface and what must shift for relationships to become more steady, intentional, and sustainable. My clients reduce escalation, improve communication, and create a more connected, sustainable dynamic - and I can teach you how to do it too. Let’s talk.
