Your Identity in Conflict
I love conflict.
Not like I love having a conflict or even starting one, but I love the power of a good conflict to shift a relationship.
Conflict Feels Scary
I get asked about conflict a lot. Honestly, most of the people who ask me about it are quite conflict averse. They see conflict as creating problems, making things scary, and often getting out of hand with misunderstandings. I’d love nothing more than to give conflict a “glow up” for you. What if conflict - safe, careful conflict handled well by you - was in fact the way of creating greater strength in yourself and possibly intimacy with your partner?
Think about it. It’s not that far-fetched. You’ve probably had some conflicts that did in fact result in a deeper connection with someone afterward. Why? Because conflict has a way of helping us understand what really matters to someone. The next time you find yourself in conflict with someone - even when the “conflict scaries” rise up and tell you to avoid it - understand that on the deepest level this conflict is a value statement from the person you are talking with.
My #1 Rule for Handling Conflict
I went to a mother's retreat with my daughter's school recently, and one of the women I was hiking with asked me my thoughts about a conflict her daughter found herself in with a friend. She wanted to know how I would go about handling it.
I told her then, and I will tell you now, that the simplest way to shift an existing conflict is this:
More than getting to shared understanding, more than finding resolution, and more than advancing the situation where you want it to go, the most important part of a conflict is deciding on purpose who you want to be in it.
Why does this matter? Because most of us focus on what we want to (or even need to) have happen in conflict far more than we think about who we want to be in it. When you decide upfront how you want to be conducting yourself, the conflict naturally unfolds very differently.
Your Conflict Identity
Who do you want to be? Lots of things! A few suggestions: centered, grounded, curious, honest, kind, attentive, and empathetic. A few more: willing to get uncomfortable, willing to value your peace and the relationship at the same time, interested in hearing over being heard. And for those of you with high conflict partners or former partners: factual, calm, clear with consequences, secure in your own experience. There isn't a singular right answer about how to be. Just reflect on what feels most important to you and practice from there.
If you want to move through the difficulties in your life with greater ease, you will be well served by moving away from conflicts that are fueled only by you getting what you want, making your point, or making someone else change.
Instead, shift your identity in the conflict at any time during it. Need help shifting your identity in conflict? I can help. Schedule a complimentary call here to get started.
About the Author:
Hi, I’m Andrea - a relationship coach, author, and speaker. I help people navigate all kinds of relationship challenges - whether you’re preparing for marriage, improving communication in a longer marriage, or finding your footing during or after a difficult breakup. I help clients understand what is happening beneath the surface and what must shift for relationships to become more steady, intentional, and sustainable. My clients reduce escalation, improve communication, and create a more connected, sustainable dynamic - and I can teach you how to do it too. Let’s talk.
